Monthly Archives: June 2008

Candy Buttons

I am very disappointed to discover that Necco Candy Buttons are made with gelatin, and are therefore not vegetarian. While hunting for this image, I also found out that Necco is the exclusive manufacturer of candy buttons (in the U.S.), so there is no animal-free alternative. Additionally, I was shocked to read that the buttons are supposed to represent three flavors: cherry, lime, and lemon. Did any of you ever taste flavor in these things? I only get “sugar” and occasionally “paper” from them.

And another thing: Why is the mascot for Necco (New England Confectionary Co.) a kid in a ten-gallon hat? I’m just wondering.

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California Fires

I spent a chunk of the evening being interviewed by another blogger (link to come when it goes live), instead of thinking of something clever (or not) to write. Instead, I shall now cop out and cut-and-paste a conversation I had with a friend who lives in Northern California, and is surrounded by fires:

Nick: … the fires suck. The smoke is so thick in our town you can only see for about 400 yards. It’s so bad in fact that it stings my eyes and hurts my throat and lungs… and this coming from a kid who smokes and works in refineries for a living. Man… think how all of the other people who haven’t been through such training and conditioning for this event must feel? Good thing I prepared! And to think I actually told my smoke inhalation trainer that he was crazy!

Me: (link to news story about 800+ fires burning, sound bytes from Gov. Schwarzenegger, etc.)

Nick: Great. Where will I live when Nor-Cal burns down? What will [friend] do with his Nor-Cal leg tattoos when Nor-Cal burns down? How do the firefighters get anything accomplished if they’re suffering from the munchies due to all of the Nor-Cal weed burning down? What will [annoying housepest] smoke if all the weed in Nor-Cal is burned down? What will all of the hippies use as motivation to write their crappy hippie music if all of the weed in Nor-Cal is destroyed? Has Arnold even thought about these topics?

Me: Oh shit, you’re right, it’s HUMBOLDT! I hadn’t even thought of that. Humboldt used to mean one thing to me, but now it means another (Humboldt Fog cheese from Cypress Grove!). Ah yes, I’ve aged.

Nick: Humboldt, Mendocino, Trinity Counties… The Emerald Triangle.

Me: Hey, maybe it’s a conspiracy! These fires weren’t caused by lightning at all! They were caused by DEA agents who were tired of the whole personal-property-requires-a-warrant dealio!

Nick: You could be on to something… Actually you can imagine my concern when I heard that over 700 fires were all started by lightning. That’s my cat’s name… and come to think of it, tonight was the first time he’s been home in over a week. I did see a very small DEA jacket stashed in the bushes yesterday… I do think I smell a conspiracy.

Me: I don’t think that’s what you’re smelling…

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Shoes! That’s right, kids! SHOES!

Oooh, isn’t it exciting? No? Well, I’m excited. And away we go:

Giraffe print ballet flats. Now, whenever I hang out with giraffes, I’m that much harder to spot.

White winkle pickers with a kitten heel. I haven’t worn these yet, but what a hoot! Thrift store find.

Snakeprint slingbacks. Also found at a thrift store.

Raspberry T-strap peep toes. Well, they’re black with a metallic raspberry halftone print on them. Scored from the 80% off rack at DSW, they go perfectly with a vintage-look raspberry satin bias-cut dress I have.

I ordered a pair of lucite wedges that were just a little too small, and Nova ordered these, which turned out to be a lot too large. We traded. They’re too big, even on me. Wacky sizing.

Summery white-and-linen(ish) cork wedges. Thrown in as a bonus during the lucite shoe trade mentioned above. The white has a slight snakeskin print, and the linen color is actually faux suede. I’ve worn these shoes three or four times, and just about worn them out! The heels are starting to compress, and the buckle on one shoe is almost completely torn out. They’re not quality, but they are comfortable.

Red patent ankle-strap peep toes. I bought these specifically to go with a BRIGHT RED belt, which I wound up giving to my friend Megan. Yes, I have other red shoes, but they’re all a darker red. The clashing, it was no good. My Ballpark Frank-size ankles means that I have to wear these on the loosest setting, and you can see how snug that ankle strap still is. So, not appropriate for the office, not good for walking around anywhere. I don’t know what to do with them, but aren’t they fun?

This pair of Pedro García “Noa” pumps isn’t in my collection. I tried them on at Nieman Marcus, where they were on sale for close to $200. Homey don’t play that. Actually, quite a steal as they list for closer to $400. (Insert heart attack here.) I apologize for the quality of the photo, but it was taken with my cell phone and I just couldn’t keep still in these shoes!

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new office

I know, I know, I’ve been promising you all shoes. I’VE BEEN BUSY. But hey, here are some photos of the new office digs. Much less sexy, but I spend a lot more time in my cube than I do in any particular pair of shoes.

Carol, hard at work

If I turn around in my chair, I see Carol at her desk. She wears headphones, and rarely remembers to turn on iChat (SET IT TO START AT LOGIN!) so I had to get a stash of rubber bands to shoot at her when I need her attention.

Windows On The World

If I don’t turn around as far, this is what I see. Through the windows at the top of my cube, I can see the tops of other windows! EXTERIOR windows!

And if I get up and walk around the outside of my cube, these are those exterior windows. Please note the low-energy fluorescent lighting and quick-growing bamboo flooring. The bamboo, that is, not the floor itself. That would be creepy.

Louisville Reservoir

This is the view of Louisville Reservoir (and the parking lot) as seen from a coworker’s cubicle. Obviously, we don’t face west on this side of the building. I swear, this is Colorado. The Rockies are a few miles to the left.

Cube Farm

Semi-aerial view of the cube farm. This area is populated by Creative: Direct, Creative: Trade, Merchandising, and Product Development. The section behind us, closer to the green wall, is Trade Ops.

How did they get away with this?

And this is, I kid you not, the HR conference “room.” Furnished by LoveSac. Anyone who didn’t know better would, from looking at this photo, swear that our HR department is staffed by 18-year-old stoners. HR isn’t even on the same floor with us, but I had to document this.

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Well, crap.

George Carlin died on Sunday, of a heart attack. I hope the ’net is soon flooded with waves of: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

Mr. Carlin, you did good. You showed us our foolish, mortal selves. You taught us to laugh at ourselves, and maybe to look a bit deeper. I’ll miss you.

EDIT: It has come to my attention that some of my readers are unfamiliar with The Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television. I have included it below, but be warned that it is NSFW. Or network TV.

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How to spend a day.

Wake up; notice mysterious scratches on neck.

While moisturizing, notice three bruises on leg.

Putting on shoes, notice cut on toe.

Mousing at the office, notice cut on palm of hand. Chalk that one up to stigmata. ;)

Seriously wonder WHAT the hell happened in my sleep.

Work like crazy to hit noon deadline by 12:15.

Try to upload ridiculous amounts of data to FTP site.

Burn DVDs instead.

Ask vendor about pick-up.

Wait for vendor.

Wait for vendor.

Decide to call courier.

Vendor arranges pick-up.

Agree to help out at last minute for fancy-pants fundraiser.

Decide to leave early in order to accomplish above.

Manage to leave 10 minutes early.

Sit in traffic.

Wait to hear fundraiser dress code.

Scarf down dinner.

Wait to hear fundraiser dress code.

Fix windshield (better, this time) before rain hits.

Wait to hear fundraiser dress code.

Realize that laundry situation is dire; will likely be out of clean underwear tomorrow.

Decide to bag last-minute volunteer effort for fundraiser, so that I can start laundry before 8pm.

Send email explaining such to fundraiser volunteer buddy.

Answer door for fundraiser volunteer buddy, who didn’t get email.

Realize that we don’t know how to get IN to fundraiser event at which we are last-minute volunteering.

Be social.

Walk fundraiser volunteer buddy to car; notice neighbors’ puppy behaving unusually well.

Notice neighbors.

Be social.

Sit on stoop, playing with neighbors’ new Ultimate Deluxe Super Cool Transformers toys.

See above.

See above.

Pet stray cat that has wandered up.

Stray cat is very friendly.

Stray cat is very pretty.

Stray cat is quite skinny.

Fetch katsnax for stray cat.

Defer requests from neighbors for me to take in stray cat.

Stray cat won’t go away.

Wonder if fundraiser volunteer buddy needs a third cat?

Stray cat keeps curling up in my lap.

Stray cat is not fixed. Leaving stray cat outside would be irresponsible.

Neighbor calls Animal Control. Closed.

Fundraiser volunteer buddy calls Police Dispatch.

Fetch cat carrier from basement.

Say good-bye to fundraiser volunteer buddy and stray cat. Still don’t know if they’re going home, or to police station.

Say good-night to neighbors.

Start laundry at 10pm.

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Moist

Back in April, I went to Las Vegas with a few of my girlfriends (and one husband who has earned himself a merit badge for putting up with FOUR women on vacation).

I had never before shared a bathroom with these women. It was only slightly more organized than chaos. One morning, while Alison was frantically looking for her moisturizer, I offered up her choice of the tiny, travel packets I had brought. No no no, she was looking for a very particular, special moisturizer. This was the first inkling I had that Alison actually travels with something like 30 different moisturizers, each with a specific purpose. And, when she was less frantic, I ribbed her about it.

I’m a light packer; the only reason I had moisturizer with me at all was because I didn’t think the hotel toiletries would support the three women we had packed into the room. Little did I know that I would have been the only person using them!

Somehow, over the past couple of months, I have started to turn into Alison. I have a hempseed moisturizer for my legs. It has a light self-tanner in it, so I switch to an all-natural coconut oil moisturizer for the rest of my body. Oh, except… I have a very light citrus-based moisturizer for my face. Which I just realized has no SPF, so now I need to add that to my routine.

Oh, dear.

(NOTE: The title of this post was originally Turning Into Alison, but I changed it in honor of Megan, who made a sudden screaming/groaning noise when I showed up for our weekly bowling night in my Moist t-shirt. I have no idea why she finds the word offensive, but that sound effect she made was sure entertaining.)

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