Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Another good thing about living alone…
I can eat Ben & Jerry’s directly from the container. Which is how it tastes best. (timber is shuddering at the mere thought of putting a spoon into my mouth and then BACK INTO THE CONTAINER OH MY GOD YOUR GERMS WILL INFEST THE ICE CREAM YOU’RE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL ME. Apparently, licking my tongue doesn’t cause the same infestation.)
Also, there’s nobody to argue with about the housecleaning.
Should this really be filed under Romance and Relationships?
Double-digit hits, and I haven’t even posted yet this week. Interesting.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, final installment
If there’s anything else outrageously major, I’ve wiped it from my memory. If you’re familiar with the Marie character from Everybody Loves Raymond… it was really like that. Really. Not an exaggeration. Painfully, sadly accurate.
Boyfriend eventually couldn’t take it any more, and we broke up. I moved out. Actually, we were back together within a couple of weeks, but I moved out anyway. I stayed in Boulder, he moved to Denver. I got really good at driving the 30 miles to I-25 and South Pearl very, very quickly. He eventually moved closer, to Arvada. That helped.
For the next couple of years, Maleficent refused to believe that her son and I were still dating. For instance: on the phone with Maleficent, Boyfriend kept referring to Us and We while making plans for a picnic. Yet, when Maleficent arrived, she acted surprised to see me and, in a stage whisper that the neighbors could hear, said “I didn’t know she would be here. I don’t have enough food for her.”
Boyfriend became Ex-Boyfriend, and is now married to a woman hand-picked for him by his mother. Though last I heard, the two women were no longer on friendly terms.
Last night, a friend said that she looked forward to the story where I “kick her ass.” But you know what? Maleficent is a miserable person. Nobody will ever treat her “well” enough to make her happy. She’s been divorced twice. Her children don’t respect her. During the time that I knew her, she was unable to maintain any friendships. She rarely had a second, and never to my knowledge a third, date. She is kicking herself in the ass, and doesn’t need any help from me. Karma can be a bitch, lady.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, Part 6
A short one tonight, because I’m tired and I want to go to bed early. And by “go to bed,” I mean catch up on some reading. I haven’t been doing nearly enough of that lately.
This one actually predates yesterday’s birthday/baseball story. Maleficent still hates me. In spite of everything she has tried thus far, her son and I continue to live together. She and her then-husband are preparing to leave for a trip to Hawaii, but before they go… she calls me AT WORK. To tell me that her son “has something to discuss” with me while they’re gone. And so she wants to say good-bye (and good riddance, likely) before they leave.
I spend the rest of the day waiting for Boyfriend to break up with me. When he manages to get out of me why I’m acting so weird, he hits the roof. Of course, by now his mother is safely on a plane and out of phone’s reach.
She just liked fucking with my head THAT MUCH.
Inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, Part 5
1. I was going to discontinue this series early, but my readership has suddenly spiked. My Public needs me.
2. Sorry for the delay in getting this one posted. MySpace was having issues last night, and I needed sleep.
Picking up where we last left off…
Springtime. Boyfriend and I still live together. Maleficent still openly and actively hates me. She is planning a birthday outing to a baseball game for her son. My boyfriend. With whom, if you recall, I live. And yet somehow, she neglects to ask me if perhaps I’ve already made plans for his birthday, or to invite me to her event. I don’t know a thing about it until she eventually forwards the email invite to me… the day of her deadline to RSVP. I reply as soon as I read the email, and though she doesn’t reply back to me, she does inform Boyfriend that I “didn’t get back to her in time” so she didn’t buy me a ticket to the game. If he wants me to go, he’ll have to buy my ticket, and the odds are that my seat won’t be with the rest of the group, so why bother?
Grrr. This is bad enough to piss off even Boyfriend, who generally takes an “if I ignore it, it will go away” attitude towards his mother. Don’t screw with Boyfriend’s baseball, lady. That was a mistake.
The two of them eventually work out that I will go, and Maleficent will go to the game with a date who conveniently has seats in the same section of the ballfield. So we can all be together, but not together.
Game on. Boyfriend is sandwiched in the stands between his best friend and his girlfriend. Maleficent is with her date, many rows behind us. Between innings, she comes down to tell Boyfriend that he should really come up to her area, there are lots of attractive girls there. And she walks away. I am used to this sort of comment by now, though it still infuriates me. Boyfriend acts as if he never heard a word, and it is entirely possible that he’s learned to tune her out entirely. He’s had years more practice than I have. Best Friend’s jaw drops, and he starts yelling at Boyfriend for not saying something. But truly, Boyfriend is exhausted by this particular subject matter.
to be continued…
Monday, February 19, 2007
Inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, Part 4
Thanksgiving, 199X. Atrocious behavior by everybody present. I am alone in apologizing, and it is never accepted. Now is when things start to get really bad. Maleficent doesn’t like me any more.
Boyfriend and I live together. Have been living together for some time. A year-ish, I think. And everything has always been fine… until now. Now I come home from work to a blinking light on the answering machine, and it’s Maleficent scolding Boyfriend for having my voice as the outgoing message. Because I shouldn’t even live there. He should kick me out. It is, after all, his house. I never hear anything further, because I learn to stop the machine as soon as I hear her voice, and save them for Boyfriend to do with as he will. Boyfriend, to his credit, deletes all of these messages without listening to them.
But they’re daily. Usually in multiples. Days turn into weeks turn into months. I go into therapy.
to be continued…
Sunday, February 18, 2007
inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, Part 3
Maleficent and I are shopping again. In Fort Collins, this time. It must be homecoming season or something, and there are fancy dresses in the window of one boutique. I make the mistake of commenting that the white one is pretty, and Maleficent decides that it would be Fun for me to try it on! Because it would make such a lovely wedding dress! You know, for my wedding to her son! To whom I’m not actually engaged! I’m talking to you, Crazy Lady!
This is not a woman to cross, and it actually could be kind of fun to try on a fancy dress. Okay, I’m game.Two girls are working in the boutique, and Maleficent and I are, at that moment, the only customers. So we get their full attention. Maleficent does all the talking, and informs them that I’m dating her son, that I’m trying on the dress and considering it for my wedding dress. I am quietly attempting to hide my mortification. The girls get really into it and start helping me with the dress and are running around the store picking out jewelry for me to try on with it. Probably pearls. Maleficent is so pleased that she decides she has to have photos of me in the dress. Alas, she has no camera (this era predates camera phones and the like).
She LEAVES ME IN THE STORE so she can run elsewhere and buy a disposable camera.
The girls are politely making small talk… how long have I been engaged? Have we set a date? And I have to admit that we’re not engaged at all. His mother is just a bit pushy. And a total wack-job. They are shocked, AND they know they’re not going to make a sale. Awkward silence ensues.
Maleficent finally returned with a camera, but I never did see those photos.
to be continued…
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, Part 2
I don’t remember if the following two events happened on the same day, but if I don’t write about them in one post, my darling readers (that would be you) will think that I’m retelling the same story.
At this point in our history, Maleficent still likes me. Maleficent also likes to shop, and so that is what we’re doing. The details are hazy, but I know that we’re in a store/boutique, and that the store has a podium on which rests some sort of bridal-type magazine. Maleficent, being the first one to assume, nay, insist, that Boyfriend and I will get married, is hovering over me while I glance through a few pages. Lo! I see a dress that I like. No lace, no pearls, no sequins; but yards and yards of cloud-white tulle and a classic satin strapless bodice in a totally “me” persimmon color. I point it out to Maleficent, pronouncing my deep admiration for such a beautiful gown, and, horrified at the thought of me marrying her son while daring to wear a COLOR, she SLAPS me. Open-hand, across the shoulder. Loud enough to be heard.
Perhaps the same day, perhaps a different, torturous shopping trip. This time we’re in a shoe store. I’m pretty sure it’s a Bakers. I do remember that we’re in the rear of the store, looking at a shelf on the right-hand side. If you know me, you know that I love shoes. And that I am, in general, attracted to the dramatic and to the underdog. That being said, I see an outrageous pair of incredible, heavy, platform wedges. Years ahead of the current wedgie craze, and decades after the last one. I pick it up to show Maleficent, who takes it from my hand, and HITS ME WITH IT while exclaiming that the shoe is awful and that I can’t possibly wear it. The entire population of the store pauses for a moment to watch.
Coming up: part 3.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Inappropriate behavior of my almost mother-in-law, Part 1
Intro: People don’t believe me when I tell these tales. I promise, every word is true. Perhaps if I break them down into smaller bites, one story at a time, they won’t seem as far-fetched.
First time I’m at the home of The Parents. Dinner is almost ready, Boyfriend is chatting in the kitchen with his folks, and I’m quietly looking at the framed photos in the dining room. There’s one of those collage-type frames on the wall, with photos including Boyfriend, so of course, I’m interested. Some photos show Boyfriend with a girl I don’t recognize. Maleficent comes up behind me and says, “He always has been attracted to heavy girls.” As I stood there in shocked silence (mute horror?), she told me that it was okay that I was heavy, that I was probably just eating more because I was happy.
She later offered to join Weight Watchers with me, as my “moral support.” If you’re familiar with my current build, I was probably 15 pounds lighter then.
This is when she liked me.
I was visiting my flickr page so I could cut-and-paste my current album link here, when I noticed that one photo in particular had recieved an outrageous number of views.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
When that long-abandonded car in my lot finally gets towed on Friday, I might park in that spot just because I can.
Oh frabjous day! It didn’t snow this weekend. Seven weekends in a row, and we were expecting an eighth. Instead, it snowed last night.
Spring would be great just about now. Maybe I’ll have some folks over to celebrate the time change in March. You heard it here first.
My buddy, my pal, a fave peep at the office, gave his notice yesterday. His absence should have little-to-no effect on my job, but I’ll miss his devious, twinkle-eyed presence. I hope his new place of employ (I didn’t want to pry… just yet) is still close enough for after-work margs. Best wishes to you, Sweet Cheeks.
I’m now officially Late For Work. I’d better bring my lunch ingredients with, and make it there. No time for a latté stop. Not an auspicious beginning to the day.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning, which indicates an early Spring. As I sit here in Denver, where it snowed again yesterday, where the forecast high for the day is 9 degrees, with wind chills of up to 25 below, I very much want to put my faith in a pudgy rodent.